Calm Amidst the Crowd
Stoic Strategies for Social Anxiety
For those of us who suffer from any amount of social anxiety, we can but dream of breezing through a social interaction displaying more charisma than George Clooney after a spray tan.
The harsh reality is, we struggle to get through one without feeling like our face is about to melt.
Social anxiety can be crippling.
The gnawing feeling that the focus of the whole room is on you.
The fear of blurting out something of such stupidity you want the earth to swallow you whole.
The overwhelming desire to retreat into an inner sanctum that shields you from the prying eyes of the evil fuckers who would have you perform like a circus clown.
Just getting through what should be a perfectly wholesome interaction can be as intense as sharing a sauna with Uri Geller.
The icing on this particular cake can be the constant fear of social interactions, even before or after you’re in them. This can lead to a pretty substantial bag of unnecessary shite to carry around with you.
“It’s ruinous for the soul to be anxious about the future and miserable in advance of misery, engulfed by anxiety that the things it desires might remain its own until the very end.”
- Seneca
Seneca’s wisdom teaches us the value of living in the present and dealing with the future as it unfolds, rather than being engulfed by anxiety about what might or might not be. It’s a call to find balance between prudent preparation for future social interactions and an unhealthy preoccupation with them, focusing instead on living fully and mindfully in the now.
Let me set the scene
Of my many brushes with social anxiety, the very zenith of this particular story's arc came in the period following the Covid lockdowns, as I prepared to go to the gym each day.
This place was simultaneously my sanctuary and the source of a daily dose of fear.
I would steady myself, take a deep breath and grit my teeth as I walked through the door, dreading what was inside. The regular workout that provided sweet relief from the daily build up of cortisol, was book-ended with what felt like a gauntlet run. As benign as this situation may seem to some people, for me it was the source of anxiety and dread.
The place was filled with vibrant, accomplished people, fully engaged with every moment, each seemingly more confident and at ease than I could ever be. Every word that came out of their mouths was a golden nugget of profundity… Or so I imagined.
Waiting for each session to start became a self-inflicted hell. I’ve never been a fan of small talk, because I’m not very good at it. Standing shoulder to shoulder with people I met regularly, unable to strike up a conversation with them - the longer I didn’t speak, the more intense the feelings that arose in me.
Having been singled out in the past for the crime of being quiet, I was acutely aware of the need to be a gregarious funster at all times. But, like so many times as a younger man, I felt as though my silence was causing a magnetising effect for people's attention.
This was of course, on reflection, quite irrational.
Had I not had the promise of a body full of endorphins waiting on the other side of this emotional quagmire, I would have been tempted to run away, and alter my daily routine to avoid such persecution.
Thankfully, a quick cost/benefit analysis stacked in favour of pulling my finger out and dealing with it.
The Stoic Perspective
The View From Above
The Stoic principle of “The View from Above” can be particularly helpful for managing social anxiety. This practice involves visualising your situation from an elevated perspective, seeing the vast tapestry of life and how we are just one part of a larger whole. By adopting this bird’s-eye view, the overwhelming importance we place on social situations can be put into perspective.
It encourages a realisation that the social interactions that provoke anxiety are small moments in the grand scheme. This mental shift helps reduce the weight of social encounters, making them seem less intimidating and more manageable.
When you see your life as a small part of a much bigger world, the fear of judgement or embarrassment in social situations becomes less significant, allowing for a calmer and more composed approach to social interactions.
Challenging Thoughts
To even begin to challenge your destructive thoughts, you must realise that you have the power to do so…. And you do.
"You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength."
- Epictetus
This quote encapsulates the Stoic belief in focusing on what is within our control – our thoughts, reactions, and emotions. Marcus Aurelius reminds us that while we cannot control external events, we have the power to control our internal responses.
“The moment you realise you are not present, you are present. Whenever you are able to observe your mind, you are no longer trapped in it. Another factor has come in, something that is not of the mind: the witnessing presence.”
- Eckharte Tolle
Let Discomfort be your Guide
“A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.”
- Seneca
The wisdom to know that these trials can be a catalyst for growth encourages us not to shy away from the difficulties they bring, but to lean into the discomfort with curiosity and indifference.
“Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.”
- Marcus Aurelius
Side Note: Obviously, if you have your arm stuck in a piece of industrial machinery, you can’t exactly choose to not be harmed in this situation. And, you do have control over screaming for help.
We must be prepared for what is to come, and cultivating a good stoic outlook does just that.
Premeditatio Malorum
Premeditatio Malorum, or "the premeditation of evils," is a Stoic exercise that involves contemplating potential future adversities to prepare mentally and emotionally for them. This technique can give us the cognitive arsenal to approach these stressful situations with calmness and equanimity, having already re-framed the situation as a manageable part of life, rather than a catastrophe waiting to happen.
Final Thoughts
However enlightening these perspectives and principles are, they are not magical panaceas. Even with the light bulb going off in our brains as we fully grasp the value of Stoic thinking, it is only with diligent focus, repetition and practice that you lay down the foundations for a new way of thinking. A new way of thinking that provides the mental space for human flourishing.
If you struggle to lift your attention away from yourself, you might find the following passage from Sam Harris useful:
“If things get bad, it’s helpful to remember that the people you’re dealing with are suffering. Almost everyone you meet is practically drowning in self concern. Just look at them… listen to them. They’re broadcasting their own self doubt and anxiety and disappointment. They’re worried about what others think of them. If you can just take a step back from being implicated in what’s happening around you, you will generally see that you are surrounded by a carnival of human frailty. So compassion is available… We are all on the Titanic together.
This might sound depressing, but the flip side is also true. This brief life together is a beautiful miracle. This is the only circumstance that exists to be enjoyed. Whatever is true out in the cosmos, this is it for us. And wherever you are, whatever circumstance you find yourself in, however strained the conversation, this is the only life you have at this moment.
So you might as well enjoy it.”